Apparently. You believe in me.

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Ever sold your soul to the devil for a quick buck? For a minute of pleasure? For some desire that only mortals need? Ever sold your soul to the devil? 

I once believed in fairytales. I mean, haven't we all? But as we grow up, reality becomes more of a, well, reality. We realise that the plans we've made to get married and have children by the age of 30 seem nothing more than candy coated dreams; dreams that might take a few more years to come true. We realise that other things become more important. Yes, marriage and kids are still on the cards, but then work starts bringing you more pleasure, more satisfaction, more money, just more of what other things cannot bring you. Family members start needing you more. Other things require your attention. And your plans, they kind of get put on hold. Because they're plans, and they will develop, just not now.

I have had quite a few sleepless nights these past few weeks. Wondering if the plans I have made need some alterations. Wondering if plans are always necessary. Wondering why some plans never work out but others work out perfectly fine. Plans. About life. The future. My future.

I've been wondering whether I've made a few deals with the devil for temporary pleasures. And even if it wasn't done intentionally, I think I've done a few things in my life that have made him smile and hurt God immensely. And in hindsight, I don't know if I would always have done things differently if given the chance.

But apparently, He still believes in me. Even though I've done some things that haven't made Him proud, He has still carried me on my journey. Today, I can honestly say all the plans I've made have eventually worked out for me. They have not always gone the way I want it to, but they've eventually worked out.

I really don't know why life works out the way it does. I don't know why we hurt people or why we get hurt. I don't know why we make promises we can't keep. I don't even know why we make promises. I don't know why we laugh and cry equally hard. I don't know why some emotions are felt to the core of your soul and others seem a little more superficial. 

I don't know why we meet some people only to lose them again. Or why we cling onto those we should have let go a long time ago. I don't know why we look for pain and hide from joy, intentionally or unintentionally. I don't know why the sun sometimes brings with it joy and other times sad realities. I don't know why the rain sometimes washes away the pain and at times is a painful reminder of the hurt that envelopes our lives. 

I don't know why we make plans that sometimes fail, or only bring temporary pleasure. I don't know why we sometimes fail to plan even when it's necessary and essential. 

I don't know why mortals do the things they do. Say the things they say. Live the way they do. 

But apparently, you believe in me. We believe in each other. Even when we fail one another, we cling onto faith, hoping that the next time around, things will be different. We make different plans. We believe our plans will work out next time around. So we plan differently. Because someone believes in us. Even when we fail. Fail one another. Fail ourselves.

Apparently you believe in me. So even when I become despondent, with or without plans, I have to go on. Even when the devil still tries to bargain with us, we need to keep the faith. Even when all seems lost, we cannot lose ourselves.

That's it: We cannot lose ourselves, even when all seems lost.

Because, apparently, you believe in me. 

And I believe in you.

Keep the faith.

Take Care.

Miss Stone. 


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