Gaps and all.

When I was younger and people saw my freckles, flat nose and diastema first, commenting on that, I felt a bit insecure. Not because of the things they said, because it really wasn't bad, but because I thought to myself, 'Is this truly all they see? Can they not see that inside, I am amazing too, despite the gaps I may have?' 

As I left adolescence behind me and became a woman, and my breasts bloomed and thighs became fatter, men commented too. They would speak of this thickness and all its glory. They would talk of the arch of my back and my plum shaped derrière. And even then I would think 'Can they not see the richness of this heart? The fullness of love it carries? The thickness of my care? Are they so blind that they cannot see my Soul and all it has to offer?'

And then the Clinical Psychologist title became synonymous with my name, as I entered the professional world, and people would talk about my tattoos and how my body looked like a canvas. They would speak of the 'Psychologist with tattoos' because this was a strange sight to them.  Even then I would think 'Can they not see the art within me? Are they unable to see the kaleidoscope of colour within this body of art? Do they not want a glimpse into the book of my essence, turning pages ever so gently and taking in the words I do not speak so readily?' 

And despite all these questions I've had over the years, I think even I, at times, neglected to look at what I have to offer. 

Even I forgot that I am amazing and enough and worthy. So how would others see past my diastema and into my heart? For even I noticed the gaps within myself and hid from the world, acquainting them only with what was visible to the eye. 

I also forgot that with my womanhood, I came with a fuller heart and mind, with more knowledge and a Soul that had so much character. And not only full breasts and thick thighs, and curves that told many stories. How did I expect these men to see that, when even I had forgotten it? The fullness of this heart was pumping love and care, but I was too afraid to show it in all its glory. 

I carried around this insecurity that I was not a good Psychologist like the rest of them. Because since my Masters year, I was told that I was different and funky and that I would not appeal to everyone... I carried this into the professional world and even though it annoyed me that people noticed the tattoos first; I did not do much to show them that I am fine art. So precious. So valuable. How could I blame them for not seeing the kaleidoscope of colour within me that so readily wanted to paint the whole world more brighter?

The past year has been one of growth. I crumbled completely, lost myself, and didn't even recognize who I was at times. It was hard. But after I crumbled (and stopped feeling sorry for myself), I saw the opportunity to rebuild myself and put my pieces back the way I wanted to; the way I wanted people to see me. All of me. 

I am flawed. The gap between my teeth and the freckles on my cheeks are no different to the gaps in my understanding of others at times, or the stains on my past and thus the hurdles to my future. 

I am a woman. In all its fullness. From my round derrière and firm breasts to my full heart and overflowing love it holds. From the softness of my skin to the gentle touch I can extend to others. From the fierce spirit I have and the fire within me, but also my ability to ignite a fire within others. 

I am a woman. I am flawed. I am bruised and damaged. I have a tainted past. 

I am a woman. I am capable despite the flaws. I am whole despite the damage. I am beautiful despite the blemishes. 

I am a woman. I am complete. I carry with me an array of colour, on the outside but most certainly on the inside too. 

I am a woman. I am art. I am a masterpiece. Beautiful to some, misunderstood by many. 

I do not question my worth. Because then others will too. I am a woman. Unapologetically. I am strong yet fragile. But I've put my pieces back the way I want to. How I see fit.

And eventually I have come to this awakening...

I am whole.

Gaps and all. 

Take Care. 

Miss Stone.