My Eyes Still Hurt...

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I sit here, alone, with my thoughts. I am filled with gratitude. My heart is overflowing. I have joy in leaps and bounds. I look to the heavens, and I cannot help but laugh and cry simultaneously. The Lord has been good to me. He invited me to a special event this year and I am still in awe.

I look back on the year. The challenges were so great. At times, I was unsure of how I'd make it through another day, or night for that matter. My body was exhausted and everything within me wanted to give up. I still don't know how I did it, but I do know there was something in me that was not ready to give up yet. And because of that, I had no choice but to hang on. 

And then, the invitation came...

A few of my favourite quotes come from a poem (which later turned into a book) entitled 'The Invitation' by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. In this poem, three lines spoke to me, especially this year. She says 'I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade or fix it.' This is what I did this year. I sat with my pain, exposed, bare, not hiding from it. I confronted it and survived what it had shown me. And in my nudity, even the pain could not scar me.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer goes on to say 'It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul...' Oh boy, did I have to do that quite a few times. The greatest betrayal in life, I believe, is betraying yourself. Putting on a mask to please others, because of fear that your authenticity will offend them. I've learned this year that my authenticity is what makes others feel insecure, because it exposes their masks. I've learned this year that my authenticity is what exposed me to others like me. Genuine people. People I would have never known had I worn my mask. And so, that mask that I had worn at times, for many years, was chucked in the trash can. It has no place in my life anymore.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer also says 'I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children... I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.' There were some nights that I cried myself to sleep, but in the morning I rose, gave thanks to the Lord and put a smile on my face. And in my moments of solitude (there were many), I listened to my thoughts. I did not always like what I heard, but discomfort was never a concern.

And so, a poem I always read, a poem I loved so much, became my way of life. Oriah Mountain Dreamer's words became my being. Words I always thought I understood, but only realized once I had lived them, how much I actually understood; how much I actually felt and experienced. This year, staying true to myself, at the risk of betraying others, was not easy (for them, not for me), but it was something I knew I had to do. There was no fighting it. It was natural. This year, waking up after a night of pain; exposed to pain, confronted by it, and putting a smile on my face and doing what needs to be done was not masking my pain. It showed me that I, a woman, could handle pain in truck loads, but still be a woman, not broken by it, but instead, moulded by it. This year, I had to be my own best friend. And this friendship with myself was not always pleasant. There was inner conflict and turmoil. There was animosity. But there was joy too. And comfort. And relief. And satisfaction in knowing my thoughts did not frighten me in the least bit. That my greatness was something I strived towards and not hid away from.

This year, I was given an invitation into my future. I was given a chance to see what was possible and what I was capable of. I was shown a motion picture of the future; one that was filled with lights and bright colours. I am still in awe. My eyes still hurt. It is THAT bright! 

My eyes still hurt.

Take Care.

Miss Stone

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